I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
