i don't like sucking hair
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
