And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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