All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
