I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Even my vagina gasped.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
