I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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