i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
