I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
