Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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