Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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