New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize