just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
