can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
