apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
