this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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