seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
