I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
