if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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