Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
