you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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