the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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