How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
