U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
