Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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