dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
