her vagine was all disorganized.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
