I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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