When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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