Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
