I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
