I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
