I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
