What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
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