Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
