I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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