I met the friendliest cop last night
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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