i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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