I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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