Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
