i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Are my feet made of real feet?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
