No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
