So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
