That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
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