I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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