Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
