I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
