I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
