I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
