I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
