Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
