I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I had to cum in my sink.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
