sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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