Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm bleeding and have questions
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
