Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
