He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
