You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
