Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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